The thought of marriage scared me. This lifelong commitment petrified me. I continued to witness stories of emotionally unavailable men. It was a reality I dreaded so much.
This post can’t condense all the marital problems which have existed for centuries. So, rather it will focus on the narrative of family men positioning themselves solely as a financial provider. I use the word, ‘solely’ with a pinch of salt because the last thing I want to do is diminish the importance of men who are able to financially provide for their families. Not only is it a difficult job, but with perpetually volatile economies, the responsibility becomes harder. The pressure of society can weigh down heavily on men since there is a constant need for them to be reliable providers.
Amidst all the challenges related to men providing financially, asking for more seems selfish. Or maybe it’s not. Whatever the case, I think there is a real danger in overemphasizing the role of financial provider for men. Especially when they are other critical aspects that make up a true provider.
Fundamental Requirements
I heard my mum running her lines for a feature film, which reignited my thoughts on this. In the scenario, a wife was lauding her husband for being faithful, patient and gentle, while they attempted to have a child for ten years. Praising such characteristics was not the problem for me. Rather, the lack of such characteristics in some relationships. This lack then begs for praise for seemingly normal characteristics.
My pain and fear stems from the reality of men offering only financial provision for their families, and not being emotionally available. My worry stems from culture that awards men accolades for staying faithful to one woman. Yet they are the ones who also pledge to monogamy. It seems very different when men treat their wives tenderly, and with utmost respect. It’s safe to assume that love and respect should be offered equally, through actions, from both parties who are willingly expressing their desire for one another. I can’t speak for the current culture in other regions of the world, but here in Ghana, it seems more evident.
My advocacy for men who are more in tune with other aspects of their women’s needs such being patient, empathetic, attentive and present, is not meant to usurp the role of a financial provider. While these traits are appreciated and help portray a complete man, excessive emphasis on them alone can lead to a man who is too tender and fragile. A focus on these alone can lead to men who are also not capable of being strong leaders of their home.
More Than One Focus
In our modern day, it appears that a man who is more in touch with his feelings and attentive towards the feelings of others, especially towards women, is classified as unmasculine. Using this word makes the claim that there is something wrong with more feminine traits. Even though I don’t fully agree with this description, I do understand why that may be the perception.
Men who act in the capacity of financial providers are seen as fulfilling their duty in totality because it is what they have been taught to do. Therefore, doing otherwise is thought to be unnatural. As such, when men who are only attentive to emotions and are not ready to embrace other aspects such as financial provision, it is seen as unmasculine.
In this regard, there is also a problem to only attach importance to the more emotionally available parts of men, because it strips men off of the role they have also been called to. That is to provide and protect. Provision spans more than financial provision. It also encompasses emotional provision, for a woman and her children to feel adequately provided for. It is not manly for a man to only stack paper for his family, nor is it manly for a man to only be more emotional available and vulnerable. In a large part of the culture I have grown up in, these two aspects of a man seem very polar. However, that doesn’t have to be the case.
The Perfect Balance
There is a danger in aligning to only one aspect of the supposedly polar traits. A sole focus on either one of these, does not portray the full spectrum of manhood. Whether is focusing only being emotionally available or a financial provider. A man who is able to possess good traits of leadership, would be able to ascribe to the full spectrum. These traits include resolve, sacrificial love, fearlessness and boldness. This shows that a balance is important.
There is one man that exhibits a balance of manhood beautifully, Jesus. I always find it incredible how He is described as a lion and a lamb. Two very distinct creatures. One is undeniably ferocious and brave, and possessing the air of leadership and authority which evoke respect. The other is meek, gentle, sensitive and devoid of an independent spirit as it adheres to the voice and direction of the shepherd. Jesus was not only assertive and bold, but He was compassionate and empathetic. He showed unconditional love to those who surrounded Him. Yet, he was also quick to correct and rebuke when the need arose.
All This Future
As a young woman, I do not have authority to speak on the defining characteristics of a man. I don’t intend to either. However, as a young woman who has seen patterns of masculine imbalance run for generations, it is frightening to anticipate what future marriages will look like. If we don’t take intentional steps to ensure that both genders are portraying what God expects of us in marriage, future generations will pay. Marriage can be a beautiful thing. God instituted marriage so it is a beautiful thing. However along the way we have lost its true essence.
The Bible offers a solution; it always has. We are called to continually renew our minds, not according to the world’s standard, but rather with our eyes fixed on Jesus, ready to accept His design with Hands Lifted High.
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