Not Knowing Immediately is Frightening

Finally finishing a four year degree was so exhilarating!  No more classes and submissions before 11:59 PM! However, I finished school not knowing what to do.

I remember one of the main pieces of advice that graduating students within the Kingdom Christian Fellowship would give to continuing students, is that doing the things we used to do in school to build our faith would be hard, so we should be alert. Then, it seemed like an exaggeration, because my mind couldn’t comprehend how you could lose your love for God if you initially claimed it. In my heart, I said that wouldn’t be my story. Fast forward to July, and the idea of completing one stage in my life and embracing the next one led me to think, I had ‘arrived’ in my walk with God.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I didn’t believe in Jesus as the risen King, or my Saviour, but I did start to become less reliant on him; as though I didn’t have my being in Him or He didn’t have my breath in His hands. Thankfully those moments I had were very temporary, but it did expose the folly of my heart.

The Comfort of Home versus School

The atmosphere at school was just so different. You could easily get a praying partner and countless accountability partners, with discerning friends who could tell what you needed and when you needed it. I was confined to a bubble which had constant fellowship and surrounded by people who were towing the line of Christianity. If somehow I noticed that my fire was dwindling, all I had to do was listen to the prayers of roommate Abigail, and wonder what I am thinking!! Then, boom. I have greater motivation.

At home it’s different – it’s just you. If you like, pray. If you like, don’t pray. You don’t get to see the prayers of your roommates and hallmates to ginger you and so if there’s no internal discipline, the whole thing cast. It wasn’t that I wasn’t praying or reading my word at all, there wasn’t as much fervency or urgency. In school it was easy to ask God to intervene for grades, because the atmosphere was focused on results that would determine your progression to the next stage of life. At home, there is nothing to validate your efforts, no major and minor quizzes, no exams, nothing.

The Ashesi Mantra

Upon graduation, it felt like I had taken the ideals of Ashesi but without evidence. Throughout the course of Ashesi, the resounding message was to leave an impact, especially on the African continent. So in my mind, at the point of graduation, I should have been marching to the UN with a 60-point action plan on solving world hunger. To say I was upset that I hadn’t created something of higher value, in my opinion, is an understatement. On top of that, I was frustrated that I hadn’t carved out a path for myself which I was assured of; it felt like I had prayed for years to no avail…no prospects…nothing. 

A Lifelong Prayer

Some of us may have experienced a place like this before: where an answer you believe you have been asking God for, just seems unanswered. I had already been through all the motions of which career path to choose. Up until year 9, I was positive that I was going to be a neurosurgeon. However, along the way fear came knocking on the door and I succumbed. Well at least I think it was fear. Fast forward, Ashesi came along. Ashesi’s choice was weird. Though I wanted to go there, I had no idea what I was going to do there. What I truly wanted to study was not part of their options.

Here I was now, a whole graduate and I still didn’t know exactly what I wanted to do.

The season right after school made me want to isolate myself from God. I thought I was supposed to have everything regarding my career figured out. Maybe it’s why I didn’t pray enough because I felt I wasn’t being heard. Maybe it’s why I didn’t read the Word enough. Though it was powerful and sharp enough to pierce open my soul, it wasn’t quick enough to show me the path to stroll.

Let Your Will Be Done

There is one thing that I find ironic in the midst of all this. There are a number of people that have pointed out to me that I look like someone who has it all figured out. In my head, I’m like eiii GOD!! Are you hearing your people?? They think I knowwww! Abeg then please let me see what they’re seeing…

I don’t know if I should be excited that I look like something I am not, or rather feel like a hypocrite.

It’s not all gloom and doom. There is a silver lining. During the years of asking God, there was one prayer that I held very dear to my heart, ‘Father, let your will be done’. I still pray that prayer every single day. It’s a very pragmatic prayer in my opinion. If you don’t know where you’re supposed to go, ask the One who does know, to direct you. 

For those who are certain, that is beyond amazing! Thank God for that clarity! I always admire those who have it all figured out. There are moments where I start to experience some jealousy but I turn that to thanksgiving and remind myself that their path is not my path, and that’s okay. I try to tell myself that I don’t have to know everything. I truly don’t. You don’t either.

When All is Said and Done

Some days pangs of anxiety overwhelm me.

Yet other days…this seems so insignificant in comparison to my life’s worth. Believe it or not, your value is not in your job. It’s a blessing to work doing what you love, however in the grand scheme of things, if it’s not what your Father has called you to do, then it’s not very important. Some days it feels so insignificant, because I know it doesn’t count to profiting my account in heaven! 

We don’t have to know everything. What matters most is if we know our Father, and our Father knows us. Thankfully even if you don’t know Him, He doesn’t cast out those who come to Him. You just have to ask for Him with Hands Lifted High.